My Prayers are Simple

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My prayers are simple:

Thank you.
Guide me.
Fill me and surround me with love.

I often do not know what to say in prayer. When I was a kid, it was just me chatting away to God. I eventually stopped talking. Now, prayer is a practice of intimate listening, of being comforted by and surrendering to Silence.

Dissolving into Silence.

In May 2016, I was asked, “If you could do one big thing and know you would not fail, what would it be?”

I had no idea.
I heard nothing but Silence.
I felt nothing but Silence.

Here I was, the yoga teacher, being asked one of the most clichéd questions ever to make the rounds of hippydom. Isn’t everyone supposed to just have an answer ready along with a vision board, a full journal, a set of crystals charging on a sacred cloth infused with essential oils, and big declarations of manifesting this and manifesting that?

I simply did not have an answer. I am not sure if I have an answer now, to tell the truth.

Not having an answer is a good thing for me. Having that Silence, instead, is best because I have spent too much of this lifetime chasing “goals” in ways that, more often than not, brought disappointment. Over and over again, I set unrealistic expectations and set the rigid goals I thought I was supposed to have. Each time disappointment paid a visit, I was utterly heartbroken.

The origin story of each disappointment is rooted in my insecurities. The pushing of goals and unrealistic expectations has been a way for me to succumb to my fears of being really seen and actually taking up space. Perhaps this is rooted in hearing my whole life that I am too emotional, intense, bossy, and all the things thinking, feeling women hear along a career path.

In that moment of being asked, I had a brief moment of panic - that panic that you feel in your throat. Rather than fight it, I met that panic and realized it was more about being seen as someone without a vision rather than just someone who has yet to share her answer.

I realize it is time to listen and trust.
It’s time to listen and just be me.
Really, just be me.

I am being held by Silence. In yoga, this is ishvara pranidhana, divine surrender. 

What would I do if I could never fail? I think I’m starting to do it* now.

I’ve been on such a winding path, the whole idea of failure seems a little less frightening than it once had, so maybe that question just does not seem so big to me right now.

I share this in case there are others out there who think everyone else has it all figured out. It can seem like that in the yoga and wellness industry sometimes. I share this to give all permission to not have the vision board finished, the business plan done, and to not be dropping the word “manifest” into every conversation.

Insecurities, thank you for showing me my fears.
Fears, thank you for showing me my potential.
Silence, thank you for holding me as I dissolve.
I’m listening.

Thank you.
Guide me.
Fill me and surround me with love.

 

 

*Okay, I’ll admit it - whatever it is, there will be travel involved. Just putting it out there, my passport is always ready.